rest. i finally got it last night. real rest. the kind that when you wake up you have no idea where you are. peace. i finally have it this week. i have been so heavy and anxious this past week, not wanting to think or talk about anything having to do with the present or future. i had been walking in a state of discontent; thinking only about what i didn't have and where i wasn't going and what i am not doing. i've felt so small and insignificant and in that have been focusing on myself and my needs instead of the needs of others. i've been feeling lost and like God has removed himself from me....the key word there is 'feeling'. my feelings have been getting the best of me and have slowly become my reality, my truth. my eyes have been taken off the real Truth. but slowly, slowly they are being opened. my blind eyes are beginning to see again, my deaf ears are beginning to hear. let me share what God's been revealing to me through this season of seeming emptiness...
"Well done, good and faithful servant. You have been faithful over a little; I will set you over much. Enter into the joy of your master." Matthew 25:21
I have this picture of what my life is supposed to or should look like at this point in my life. It involves having a real job that provides an income (not necessarily a large one, but an income nonetheless), a car that is reliable, a safe place to live, health insurance, and a community to grow with. I don't feel that these are selfish things to ask for or that I am being materialistic in any way by desiring them, and yet these things continue to allude me. Meanwhile, my DREAM is to live a full life. A life of adventure and uncertainty, a life of faith. Does faith provide health insurance? Does it provide a home for my children? No. These things are not promised. But abundance in Christ is. The life that I am living is simple. Small and simple. And yet God is showing me that it is a life of adventure and a reliance on Him for my daily bread and that it is by no means small. So why am i continuing to desire more? my job is what he's asking me to be faithful in; to walk in every day with an attitude of praise and gratefulness and to give my all in faith. i will do this because this job, my current circumstances, my life...is not for me. my purpose is not to feel good or to have all i want, but to know Christ more and make him known. i desire marriage and a house with a porch and kids with curly hair and smiley eyes, but even more than these i desire to hear the Lord whisper, "Well done, good and fiathful servant. You have been faithful over a little; I will set you over much..."
I am being challenged to shed myself of dreams and selfish ambitions, and to trust the Lord with my heart's desires. can i do this? can i really do this? yes. again i say, i don't wanna, but i gotta. to know Christ more, and to live off the fruit of his goodness; to find fullness in him and the security that i desperately search for from the world...it's so worth it.
"Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin..." Matthew 6:28
Peace. It's freedom from striving for more. Rest. It's freedom from toiling and spinning and worrying and discontent. i'm walking in it, soaking it all up. i don't know what tomorrow is going to bring, but i pray for an odedient heart that will follow where I'm lead. will you go too?
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