freedom in faithfulness

rest. i finally got it last night. real rest. the kind that when you wake up you have no idea where you are. peace. i finally have it this week. i have been so heavy and anxious this past week, not wanting to think or talk about anything having to do with the present or future. i had been walking in a state of discontent; thinking only about what i didn't have and where i wasn't going and what i am not doing. i've felt so small and insignificant and in that have been focusing on myself and my needs instead of the needs of others. i've been feeling lost and like God has removed himself from me....the key word there is 'feeling'. my feelings have been getting the best of me and have slowly become my reality, my truth. my eyes have been taken off the real Truth. but slowly, slowly they are being opened. my blind eyes are beginning to see again, my deaf ears are beginning to hear. let me share what God's been revealing to me through this season of seeming emptiness...

"Well done, good and faithful servant. You have been faithful over a little; I will set you over much. Enter into the joy of your master." Matthew 25:21

I have this picture of what my life is supposed to or should look like at this point in my life. It involves having a real job that provides an income (not necessarily a large one, but an income nonetheless), a car that is reliable, a safe place to live, health insurance, and a community to grow with. I don't feel that these are selfish things to ask for or that I am being materialistic in any way by desiring them, and yet these things continue to allude me. Meanwhile, my DREAM is to live a full life. A life of adventure and uncertainty, a life of faith. Does faith provide health insurance? Does it provide a home for my children? No. These things are not promised. But abundance in Christ is. The life that I am living is simple. Small and simple. And yet God is showing me that it is a life of adventure and a reliance on Him for my daily bread and that it is by no means small. So why am i continuing to desire more? my job is what he's asking me to be faithful in; to walk in every day with an attitude of praise and gratefulness and to give my all in faith. i will do this because this job, my current circumstances, my life...is not for me. my purpose is not to feel good or to have all i want, but to know Christ more and make him known. i desire marriage and a house with a porch and kids with curly hair and smiley eyes, but even more than these i desire to hear the Lord whisper, "Well done, good and fiathful servant. You have been faithful over a little; I will set you over much..."

I am being challenged to shed myself of dreams and selfish ambitions, and to trust the Lord with my heart's desires. can i do this? can i really do this? yes. again i say, i don't wanna, but i gotta. to know Christ more, and to live off the fruit of his goodness; to find fullness in him and the security that i desperately search for from the world...it's so worth it.

"Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin..." Matthew 6:28

Peace. It's freedom from striving for more. Rest. It's freedom from toiling and spinning and worrying and discontent. i'm walking in it, soaking it all up. i don't know what tomorrow is going to bring, but i pray for an odedient heart that will follow where I'm lead. will you go too?

Flag Day

I am raising my white flag, embracing surrender today. I don't wanna, but I gotta. As I think about going into work in a few hours, I feel empty and a little defeated. My job is meaningless and I am not passionate about it on my own. I sell clothes, meet tourists, tell people they look good, and sucker them into getting a credit card with my store. As I said, meaningless. but when I relinquish control, when I look to the Lord in each moment while I'm there, when I surrender...my job becomes something beautiful. Suddenly women are telling me their life stories, letting me hold their babies, looking to me to affirm their wounded hearts, prophicying over my life, and hugging me good-bye. To the world, my life looks bleak and unfulfilling. Apparently making $7/hour, driving a COUGAR, and living in a bug-infested cabin (yes, cabin) aren't exactly glamorous. I confess there are times when I desire more: more money, nicer things, more freedom, health insurance, stability... I want to go to a high school reunion and be proud of my life, not ashamed. Am I embarrassed of my life? A little. And yet this is a humbling place for me to be. A place of simplicity, a place of peace, a place of surrender. Did I choose this life? No. But I did choose to follow Christ. The "more" I long for is nothing compared to the abundance of life in Christ. So up goes my flag.

"this is the day the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it."

Hello lovies!

Ok listen. I never in my life thought I'd start a blog, but after Tim started leaving my apartment early in order to blog (he doesn't know I know this) I thought I would jump on the blogging bandwagon. First of all, it is strange to even have this word "blog" in my vocabulary, but I know that it will soon be a welcome addition to my word bank. Yes, word bank.

I am an external processor which leaves much room for surprise when expressing my thoughts verbally or on paper. I look forward to seeing how God uses this avenue to reveal more of himself to me and to others as they take a look into my life and heart. I will strive for honesty and authenticity, boldness and vulnerability. May we all enjoy this journey together as we open our hearts and bare our souls for the sake of being known.